Suffering exists in the world. It exists because I suffer. It exists because you suffer. It exists because others suffer.

We are all symbols of suffering. We are guilt, grief, and selfishness. We are hunger, fear, and rejection. The suffering we have does not compare to the suffering others have. Food and electricity is readily available. Guilt comes from our feelings of selfishness. We could easily turn our head away from such feelings, but we do not because we care about others. We empathize.

Many of us strive to relieve suffering. Whether its our own suffering or others’ suffering, we fail most of the time. We are distracted by life. Bills must be paid. Work must be done. We have to recover from our excesses. We have to escape our pain. Life happens. Our ability to help others is hampered. This causes more pain.

I am overcome with suffering. This affects my ability to help others. I am a failure because I want to help others. I am unable to complete this goal. I suffer from my failure. I suffer because others suffer more greatly than me. Guilt washes over me. Despair envelops my mind.

I cannot free myself from the suffering of others. I do not want to, but I want the strength to carry on. I want to be able to help others.

Here I am. A symbol of you, the world, and others. Broken. In pain. Altruistic. Selfish. Pulled in every direction. Striving. Failing.

I am overcome with suffering. I am the world and its burdens. You are me. We are in this together.

I am overcome.

My dream was vivid in that it was detailed, long, and with very few gaps. It made sense sequentially which is rare for me. It was like living in everyday life. I didn’t question whether I was dreaming or not because I strongly felt as if I were in the waking world. I felt as I feel now typing this blog. I feel that this world is real. I feel that it is permanent and sensible. I feel the reality of my existence. I feel truly here. This here feels real.

It was odd waking up and realizing that my dream had not been real at all. I went through the dream in my head to see if I could spot anything that could have proven to my dream self that it was not real. There were a few things, but they are hard to notice when one is swept up in a dream. I meditated shortly after going through my dream in order to get over the odd feeling that I had.

I sat on the floor of my room in the half-lotus position. I concentrated on the corner of a rug while I meditated. It seemed like an easy place to concentrate on. I am including pictures in here that sort of represent my field of view at the time. The area of concentration is highlighted in yellow. It’s a little deceiving because I was concentrating specifically on the point of the red rug.

Area of Concentration highlighted in yellow

I was meditating in Shikantaza style which is a style where the practitioner is aware of his or her thoughts and surroundings in order to become one with his or her environment. I was regarding my thoughts and sensations when a curious illusion started to occur. The white carpet started to take on a red hue. I tried not to stop it because I thought that would harm the kind of concentration I was trying to induce.

The floor taking on a red hue

I thought about what was going on. I remember reading about this kind of illusion in V.S. Ramachandran’s book Phantoms in the Brain. This illusion is called “filling in”. Filling in occurs when there is a blind spot in a person’s visual field. The mind’s visual system fills in what would be a void with data from the surrounding area. By concentrating on the corner of the rug, I had made everything else become my blind spot. My mind started to fill that void with the pattern and colors that could be found on the red rug. Soon, I couldn’t even make out my shoes or the wire that was one the floor. The red rug completely dominated my vision.

The Red Rug Dominates My Vision

I delighted in the strange illusion at that moment. I thought about what was happening. Only I could see this change in the floor. If someone had walked into my room, they would see me sitting on the floor staring at a red rug on a white carpet. They would not have seen that the red rug had completely dominated one area of the floor. It dawned on me that the external world exists, but what I see is only an internal representation of it. I had read similar thoughts before, but I never really felt the validity of those words I read till I experienced this illusion.

I looked at my body and realized that I only saw an internal representation of it. I felt my foot’s pressure on my thigh and realized that I only felt an internal representation of that. All of this existed inside of my mind and all of this could easily be tampered with by some illusion that my mind could create. What other illusions exist?

I thought of how I felt about my vivid dream. I felt bothered by how real it felt because I felt tricked. I was in a dream world and it felt real. I was bothered by a dream feeling real as if a dream is not supposed to feel real. I then thought about more ways of realizing that a dream is not real while in a dream. Sounds and sights are common in a dream, but I rarely ever smell, taste, or feel things. I realize that this is usually because I am unaware of those things. I hardly ever direct my awareness toward those kinds of sensations on my own. My awareness is usually directed toward those types of sensing by a baking loaf of cinnamon streusel, or by a recently munched upon cookie, or by a foot pricked by a sticker, or any other thing like that. I am not constantly noticing smells around me. I am not constantly taking notice of what I am tasting. I am not constantly taking notice of physical sensations on my body.  I am however constantly looking at something and constantly hearing something(whether it’s in my head or actually in the external world).

Smelling, tasting, and feeling sensations do constantly exist, but I am not aware of them until something out of the ordinary happens. It seems that my mind is filling these blind-spots created by unawareness with “ordinary” whatever that may be. When I’m in the dream world, I do not notice the lack of these sensations because that is what I am used to. Perhaps if I became more aware of these sensations, I would become aware of their absence in the dream world. That awareness could trigger lucidity within the dream. This is something I will try to do.

What other blind spots do I have because of lack of awareness? What am I taking for granted? What am I letting my presumptuous mind fill in for me?

That is the beginning of your story. Yod-Mezuth, The Many-Named God, kicked the can of Being down the road of Time. What you must understand is that this has happened before. It is happening now in fact. I am merely relating this to you so that you can know your place in the Universe. Not in an ordinal sense of course. Ordinality is meaningless when applied to a repetitive infinity. (Do you still want to know? This is the 136ah(c)iix(x)25th Universe. You see? Quite meaningless.) What I mean to show you is your existential place in the Universe. I do this in the hope that something good will come of it. That is the highest hope one can have. You may soon find that out for yourself.

Let me first tell you of The Many-Named God and how he came to be called by such a name. Yod-Mezuth gets bored of himself quite quickly. The beings and other things he creates are not to blame. It is in his nature to get bored quickly. He is the Creator! He is the Experiencer! Have you ever experienced 30 seconds of boredom that felt like an hour? Well, Yod-Mezuth experiences that across many Universes simultaneously. The hours are much longer. Rather than experiencing that as one being, which would be narrowly experienced and thus far more boring, Yod-Mezuth feels his boredom as many beings. This allows him to respond to the boredom in different ways. This allows him to feel the agony of boredom in varied levels. This allows boredom to be somewhat interesting. Kridd destroys beings and worlds. Xrylx enlightens beings and worlds. Tabitha gazes warmly at beings and worlds. These are all things Yod-Mezuth does in response to boredom.

The biggest response to boredom, of course, is to create another Universe. Sometimes they already exist, but Yod-Mezuth recreates them as another aspect of himself. These are the kinds of changes he brings to the Something-Nothing. We all exist for and because of him. We exist for him only because he created us in order to make boredom as interesting as possible. He creates us in order to experience us and hold sway over us in whatever way he chooses. We are still free to do what we want. Mostly. It depends on which aspect of Yod-Mezuth created the Universe. Some Universes are almost exact copies of each other. This happens because Yod-Mezuth liked a particular Universe and decided to alter it by creating it with another aspect of his. Or, he decided to change some aspect of that Universe to see what would happen. Yod-Mezuth, in his infinite wisdom, knows what would happen, but he likes to experience it. Experience helps reduce boredom. Besides, unexpected things can happen. That is part of the excitement.

What I am trying to tell you is that Yod-Mezuth created your Universe. Something-Nothing created the whole Multiverse, but Yod-Mezuth created your Universe. Your Universe was first created by Tabitha. Then by Kridd. Then by Moley and Deus. The Universe you inhabit, the one that is an almost exact copy of the past ones, was created by Yod-Mezuth. The world of Yod-Mezuth has his name written all over it. You have not known that till now. You do not know how to look for it. Let me tell you.

Yod-Mezuth is devious. He is a trickster. He is schadenfreude incarnate. In this world, you are free in a certain sense of the word. You are given enough of a taste of freedom in order to crave it. This complicates matters. Yod-Mezuth gives you this freedom in order to see you suffer. He watches you fight over what freedom really is. He watches you fight to get what you think freedom is. You do not exist for Yod-Mezuth in that he owns you. He does not want that. You exist for him as an actor exists for his audience. This simile does not convey the freedom you have in playing your part. Yod-Mezuth has set the scene and mood for his play. There is a script, but you ad-lib your lines. This is done either because you’ve forgotten our lines or because you feel it will enhance the play. It usually does not end well. Actors are thrown off by each other’s flubbing of the lines. Jokes fall flat. In the confusion, Yod-Mezuth can be heard laughing. This is exactly what he wanted. The Something-Nothing is a little less bored.

I do not know what you are supposed to do with this knowledge. I am telling you this because I know it may change things. The script is there, but it wasn’t written to be read correctly. It was written to distract. The scenes are there, but they were not created in order to be seen. They were created in order to make the actors feel as if they were in a play. All of this was created in order to give it a sense that it truly mattered. You are made to feel that you should hit the mark. You are supposed to take all of this seriously. This Universe was created to give its inhabitants a sense of direction, but each person is pulled toward a different direction. This Universe gives people an ideal that they cannot have. Yod-Mezuth relishes experiencing your struggles. This Universe is not what it seems. He does not create misfortune. Yod-Mezuth created a Universe were much misfortune is extremely probable. He has given you freedom to correct things, but many times overcorrections occur. You have it harder than you are willing to realize.

When Tabitha created the original of this Universe, she gave it rules and goals. She did this in order to create a peaceful world. Everyone was given the right way in her Universe. People were sure if they were good or bad. Yod-Mezuth did not want to afford such luxuries. Your world is chaotic, but you have gotten used to its chaos. You have accepted it as a necessary fact of your Universe. Rightly so. Yod-Mezuth would not have it otherwise. Your Universe could have been more fair. It could have been more straightforward. It could still be all these things if you could somehow let it be those things!

Now, why am I telling you this? I am Yod-Mezuth. I wanted to let you know what I have done to you and your Universe. Do you believe things could be better? I hope you do. I enjoy your struggle.

Maybe. The word imposes itself
The doubt imposes itself
      I give it that power
These chains cause me pain

I am a fettered Buddha
But I am the Buddha
      I see light emanating from me
I am more than reflection

People doubt me. I doubt myself
The doubt is a mist surrounding me
      I make it evaporate
The sun’s light pours out of me

They point to the moon
I look past their pointing finger
      I look past the moon
I see what makes it shine

I see what gives meaning
I see what understands
      I am the Buddha
Doubt me and see for yourself

A river speaks to me
It seeks to be
Comfort I cannot find
From the thoughts in my mind
On and on it goes

This beer is black
It has the knack
To look back at me
What does it see
Yes the river knows

Breathing under water
I writhe and totter
Familiar feelings
From the same dealings
I don’t care

This beer is black
Saving me from the rack
It’s just my fate
To come too late
This is what I chose

Please believe me
The river whispers softly
Love’s around the bend
For now transcend
I’ll take you there

This beer is black
I’ve lost track
I need a little time
To feel sublime
Without a snare

Free fall flow
With it I go
Endlessly pushed
In a current ambushed
By echoes

I cannot see
What is before me

The cosmos are hidden
By a protruding skyline
The world pockmarked and ridden
With humanities timeline

I am filled with fear
Stuck in a human sphere

I walk my path
To my destination and beyond
I know the wrath
Of feelings I’ve spawned

Hemmed in by
Buildings blocking the sky

Thankfully, both vehicles noticed each other and nothing bad happened. But at that moment, I suddenly realized how dangerous it was to be on the road. I suddenly realized how crazy all of us were to be driving so fast and so close. I knew that no one else was thinking the same thing. They were probably thinking of what they were going to do once they arrived at their respective destinations. Perhaps the man in the truck in front of me also realized how dangerous it was to be on the road. Perhaps fear had awoken in him too.

I did not let the fear take over. Yes. I could easily be injured or killed because of another driver, but I had driven on this highway toward the same destination numerous times before. Nothing bad had ever happened. I thought about how debilitating a fear of driving would be. Life in an urban setting would be extremely difficult if I could not drive.

I realized that this fear had never occurred to me before. I have been in two car accidents in my life. Once as a child in elementary school, I was in a car that was hit by another car that did not yield at an intersection. The car I was in spun several times. I even hit my head against the car’s window. That did not create any fear in me. I did not stop going on car rides. Most recently, I was involved in a car crash that happened because of a common event. Someone realized they were about to miss their turn so they quickly went from the far left lane into two other lanes to turn right. They hit the truck I was in in the process. The car the driver was in was much smaller than the truck I was in, but it still pushed the truck onto the curb and dangerously close to a stone wall. Still, I was not afraid to drive. It was only today that the thought occurred to me that I could die while driving through no fault of my own. Granted, those two accidents occurred on the road at approximately 30 miles per hour and fear struck me while I was driving at 60 miles per hour. Maybe that difference is what scared me. I knew I would have little chance of escaping injury and I knew that injury would be severe. I was actually very fearful for a while after that. I was totally aware of the danger of the current situation.

I wondered if I should feel fear. Driving is almost necessary, but does that mean I shouldn’t be afraid? I know people who make a similar drive everyday, but are afraid to fly. This doesn’t make sense because driving is much more dangerous than flying ("Driving or Flying? ", 2011). It is easy to understand why people feel this way. Most airplane crashes end in the death of all the passengers. An airplane crash is a traumatic event. That trauma gets engrained into our minds. Flying itself is a scary experience. I’ve almost always sat next to someone who was visibly stressed during takeoff. Take off is loud. I get a funny feeling in my stomach. It leaves a fairly negative impression on me, but I have gotten used to it over time.  One thing I have never gotten used to is turbulence. It always seems to happen. Every flight I have experienced leaves a somewhat negative impression on me. I don’t leave a flight thinking, “That was normal.” I leave a flight thinking, “I’m glad I’m back on the ground.” I know that flying is safer than driving, but I am always slightly nervous before a flight. I don’t want to experience a bad takeoff or turbulence. I don’t want to face the fears I experience during those events even though I know I will probably be safe. I wouldn’t say I have a fear of flying, but I do get nervous.

On the other hand, I was in two car crashes, but I felt no trauma. It seemed like such a rare occurrence. Both times, only the car suffered any serious damage. I feel safer when driving than when flying even though I know it is not true. Tomorrow, I will make the same trip. I will be in the same lane surrounded by the same number of cars. I will not experience fear even though I know driving is dangerous. The next time I fly, I will get nervous even though I know flying is relatively safe. This is because of how I hold myself to these experiences. The danger seems rare when I drive. When I fly, the danger always seems to be present. It is because flying is unusual relative to driving. I have flown less than 20 times. I have driven or been a passenger countless times.

I am being irrational when I say that I am more fearful of flying than driving. That irrationality makes sense though. When I drive, I am not thinking of how much safer flying is. I do not think, “Oh, I wish I could fly to school instead of drive.” I am thinking, “I need to get to school.” I live too far to walk or bike. Driving or being driven is the only reasonable way to get to my destination. So, I do it no matter how dangerous it is. When I am driving, I don’t think about the possibility of dying because of a car crash. I don’t even think about how normal it feels to drive. I don’t think of all the times I have arrived at my destinations without experiencing any negative events. Mostly, I think about the song I am listening to or the thoughts I am currently thinking.

Faster than you could think, “What was that sound?”, a person named Sitva flowed out of the space office through a small hole. The hole spewed people soup into space. The flow stopped and the room notified the lower class citizen’s space office that a people soup leak had just occurred. The office notified a chef bot to collect the people soup. When the chef bot finished, the space office ejected the compromised room and promptly sent out builder bots to create a new room in its place. The room rocketed toward nowhere in particular. The room wondered why it no longer felt the comfort of belonging to an office. Then, the office sent the Human Resources department a memo.

That is when Sagar and Xi both received a memo.

Xi reads the memo and giggles while Sagar teletypes at his station.

“What’s so funny?” asks Sagar.

“We have to hire somebody.”

“Somebody? Just one?”

“Yup.”

Sagar takes off his headset and turns around. Xi, still holding the memo, turns around to look at him.

“What the hell happened? Did he fuck one of the boss’ wives?” Sagar asked while raising an eyebrow.

“Nope. The memo says the office labeled the employee ‘Leaked’.”

“What was his class?”

Xi glances at the memo. “Triple C”. Xi then tosses the memo back to his desk.

“Not even a double-letter?” Sagar lets out a healthy stream of laughter. “I know what they’re having for dinner.”

Xi laughs and puts his headset on. “Glad I’m not a triple-letter. I’m just going to pull a hire from the ex-convict pile. We need to up our civil service stats. You going to send that accidental death to Carlos?”

“Nah. I send those when we get to a thousand of them. We’re about two hundred short.”

Xi acknowledges Sagar with a soft grunt. Sagar turns around, slips his headset back on, and gets back to work.

In the other space office, a chef bot in a kitchen slowly pours its contents into a recently defrosted vat labeled “People Soup”. The chef bot instantly refreezes the vat and places it back into a cabinet with 99 other vats. The chef bot passes a row of 10 cabinets before reaching its recessed resting place and shuts down.

I had never doubted these rules. They had never failed me.

Then things began to change.
Inconsistencies existed.
I was wrong. It felt strange.
Doubtful thoughts I resisted.

Doubt would not be denied.

Abandon the past and its rules.

Delve into the epoche.

Perceive freely.

Wonder!

I

am

what

thinks

and does

I am here

Then here

here

here

here

Reborn, I see.

There is no right way to be.

I am without form.

Agree?