As an atheist, there is no higher power to guide me.
I can recall Christians that I know telling me about how they have felt abandoned by God and how such a lonely and scary feeling that is. Welcome to an atheists despair.
When times are rough and there seems like nobody is there, it really feels like nobody is there! There’s no higher power to have faith in. There’s seemingly no one to depend on. Sometimes it feels like all you have is yourself.
But, you’re probably just in a very dark place and that’s probably not true. In my belief system, I have true libertarian free will. That means I make my future. I truly control my actions. There is no fate. I am not destined for anything. I have no idea where I’ll be in 5 years. But, nothing knows where I’ll be in 5 years. There’s no path set for me by some higher power. Nothing is set in stone. I am never straying from a path other than my own.
When I do stray, I have to ask myself what am I doing wrong? How am I not achieving my own goals? Are my goals wrong? So, I sit and think. I try to find where the disturbance lies. Is it within my own philosophy? Or, am I just having trouble realizing my own philosophy in the world I am living in?
If there’s a mistake in my own philosophy, I correct it and move on. I learn from my past mistakes. I try not to stray from my path.
If I cannot realize my philosophy, because it just can’t be realized in this world, that is when there is trouble. I am not omnipotent and all powerful; I cannot snap my fingers and change the world to my liking.
So, here I am. I have an idea of where I’d like to be and of who I am. But, I cannot be there and I cannot be that in this world. What do I do?
Well, I have faith. I know that there can exist a future where I am happy. Maybe the world has changed somehow. Maybe my philosophy has. Maybe I have copped out. Maybe I have learnt how to live with my head in the clouds and my feet on the ground. Either way, I have faith that the future can be good and therefore that one day my present will be a good and happy one. I have faith that one day I will be happy.
I mean truly happy! There is happiness in my life. I’m happy when I’m relaxing with friends. I’m happy when I’m with my dogs. I’m happy when I’m cooking. I’m happy when I’m having a good conversation. But, I want to be truly happy. I want to be living according to my philosophy. And, I’m currently not. Happiness is something I enjoy on a daily basis. It’s just that in the back of my mind I know that there is a something wrong. I am not living my philosophy.
And, that’s what living is! I believe that life is meaningless. There is no higher power that
gives it meaning. No higher power exists to determine whether or not there is a right way to live. So, I try to find my own way. I have my own belief of what the right way of living is. When I’m not living the way I think I should be, life loses all meaning. Sure, I’m living, but I’m not living according to my philosophy. It’s as though I’m living a lie.
That is what leads me to the point where I’m thinking about my philosophy. Doubt comes to visit. Am I right about my philosophy? Am I right about being unable to live my philosophy? I see myself as being confused. I need to talk to somebody to sort things out! But, who do I talk to? No higher power exists so that’s out. I could talk to friends, but that’s a heavy burden to share. Not to mention the fact that some friends would think I’m just downright insane!
I get to the point where I can’t trust my Self. My Self is confused. Its out of whack. I am confused. I am depressed. It’s impossible to turn to a higher power because one doesn’t exist. I am so confused that I think that I have no friends to turn to. It’s just a dark place.
In this kind of situation, one must remember that one does have friends to turn to! We may fear losing friends by opening up to them, but if you do lose that friend you must ask yourself, “Were they truly my friend?”. Maybe they weren’t. But if you open up and your friend helps you out, you have just strengthened your friendship and gained clarity. Sounds like a win-win to me.
Whenever you feel alone, do not lose hope! There are good experiences to be had. There is great happiness to achieve. There are friends around you to help you on your journey.
How can one avoid feeling such loneliness and despair? I don’t know if it is possible. Maybe we have to stop thinking ourselves into depression. Maybe we should just embrace the here and now once in a while. But, that’s a whole other post.
Till then, there’s to hope and questioning!
